*Note I wrote most of this post at the first of October*
So much has been going through my mind lately. I have typed and deleted and typed some more but I can never get out how I really feel about infertility. At the moment (the first part of October) I am in a why me/us mode and can't seem to get out of it. Why can't we get pregnant? Why do we have to wait another year to start fertility stuff? Why can't we be parents like we want? Why do people who don't want children get them? And this is only some of the thoughts that have traveled through my mind.
If you know me, you know that I would love to be a mom more than anything. Starting our little Parsons family has been on my mind for years. With us trying 3 out of the 4 years we have been together and nothing happening, being diagnosed with Endometriosis (which comes along with many surgeries and infertility), and coming to find out that we didn't get pregnant yet again this month, it all is so devastating. Devastating, to a point that I am starting to give up a lot of hope and faith. When I went to the Dr. this week (First part of October) and learned I would be going on the Lupron shot because we indeed did not get pregnant this month is harder than I thought it would be to hear. In my mind at first I didn't think it would be to bad what's another 3 months, we have already waited 3 years. But then the Dr proceeded to tell me I will be on this shot for 7 months (One month trial three months down and than another three months down). My mind seriously shut down, I didn't know what to think, how to feel, etc etc. I finished up the appt and started my drive home and all I could think is I don't think I will ever get to experience the carrying a child, or us being parents. I walked in the house and the moment I saw my oh so loving husband, I broke. I bawled while he held me and kept telling me that there are other options if we are unable to carry, that we will try everything up to IVF treatments and if that doesn't work we will adopt.
Now a few weeks later I have came to the conclusion this might be a good thing for us. As I sat and felt sorry for myself and everyone else who has infertility problems, I made a list of the positive things this brings to Brady and myself. It has helped having a few of my good friends there to listen to me vent and reassure me things will work out (my husband is included in that.) As I try and focus on these positive things, we have been getting out of our "old couple" stage and trying to enjoy the life without kids while we still can.
February!
9 months ago
